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Everything sucks. Late-stage capitalism ruined the Internet.

I sound like an old man complaining that everything was better before. While not entirely true, the Internet sucks now, and its decline can be traced back to corporate greed, the need to project eternal growth to keep shareholders from sinking your company’s stock value. Everything now is under a subscription plan, from the music you hear, to the storage where you keep your files, the software in your laptop, and playing video games with friends online.

I decided to go old-school and start a blog again, because social media failed at its promise of connecting us in exchange of selling our data to corporations, governments and some shady actors. If you think I am exaggerating, let me list a few examples.

Apple

Before: Hey, plug any headphones in our mind-control rectangle, we even included a pair in the box.

After: Hahaha, fuck you, buy our expensive proprietary wireless headphones that you can lose effortlessly and need to keep charging. We haven’t come up with anything new in a decade, except an ugly watch.

YouTube

Before: We have filled the void MTV left when they stopped playing music videos. We’re full of short-form entertainment coming from anyone under the sun, at the price of, maybe, a skippable ad at the start.

After: To goad you to subscribe to YouTube premium, we’re making free YouTube unwatchable, interrupting videos every three seconds with unskippable commercials. Like and subscribe to the three accounts that exploit our algorithm the best.

Twitter

Before: David Bowie is here, David Lynch is posting weather reports, you can reach customer service of any company faster than calling their number, live commentary on the latest episode of Breaking Bad!

After: Now we’re X, owned by a billionaire misanthrope who wanted the libs to endure a forum for straight white male grievances. The Kremlin uses us as a cyber warfare front line, the fringe Right as a recruiting tool.

Netflix

Before: Our streaming service is meant to replace our DVD shipping, but it’s still there if you don’t find what you want.

After: Streaming services have balkanized entertainment, you won’t find everything you’re looking for here, but we need to raise the prices to pay for the expensive shows we’re producing.

Instagram

Before: We put filters to make your pictures look cooler and pretend your life is perfect.

After: We’re copying TikTok, or whatever threat Facebook is facing at the time. Someone who pretends their life is cooler than yours is now an influencer and gets more likes in a post than you’ll get in a year. You suck.

Microsoft

Before: Hey, why are you only using our crappy browser to download other browsers?

After: We give up, you won, now we’ll just make the operating system as spammy as the browser.

Facebook

Before: We’re not just replacing MySpace, we’re replacing the chain e-mails your mother sends you, plus we’re adding addictive, Skinner box innovations, like the like button, to keep you engaged.

After: We still suck, we purchased Instagram and WhatsApp because too many old people are using our site now. While we were dismantling democracy and social discourse worldwide because toxicity increases engagement, we wasted years trying to do a VR world no one wants to visit.

Google

Before: We’re Google, what else can you say? We hire tech geniuses and they get amazing perks.

After: We’re basically Bing now. The geniuses lost most of their perks, including job stability.

Amazon

Before: We’re going to wipe out small retail, probably big retail too.

After: We did it. Our employees are sub-human bags of meat and they have no retail jobs left to go to.

Reddit

Before: We’re the true forum of the Internet, community owned and community moderated.

After: Community owned? LOL, sorry, we meant corporate owned. Your delicious data will now be sold to train AI.

Wikipedia

Before: Find information on every topic imaginable, our page doesn’t look like a Christmas tree packed with popups and advertisements. No paywalls nor geofencing.

After: Actually, capitalism hasn’t ruined us yet because we’re a nonprofit and our revenue model is based on donations, like your local library.

Conclusion

At the time of this writing, I do not have a comments section on this site. I am still deciding how or if I am going to work on it. But your opinion matters, feel free to contact me where you can find me, or start your own blog too.